I really love where I live. I moved back to the area in Calgary I moved away from a few years back and I'm very glad I did. It feels like a small town in itself. The library is a block away from my house. The recycling centre is two away. My local bank branch greets me at the door by name. Every month or so my boyfriend and I take our romantic date at a beautiful little pasta place in between a dog photoshoot/daycare and a locally owned convenience shop. My go-to gluten free pizza place is a five minute drive away and right beside a killer ice cream shop.

In our neighbourhood there is one of the best parks in the city. Ice skating, paddle boating, canoeing, hiking, bike trails, and river rafting all in one place. All three schools (Elementary, Junior high, and high school) are within walking distance of each other, and an off leash dog park is minutes away walking distance.

The area has a lot of history for me too. I lived in three of the surrounding communities and loved it. And I work in one of the trendiest areas in Calgary, Kensington and 17th Avenue, which admittedly doesn't suit my conservative personality well but I'm fitting in.

My city is close to the mountains and my family in BC. Bike and running trails run for kilometres beside the river, and there are two universities. Admittedly, some day I will probably move my family back to BC, but right now I couldn't be happier being back here, in my own home.

Lazy Sunday

Holy, do I get my guilty pleasures. They're so subtle sometimes that I truly don't think that anyone else notices them, but it would seem they are worth the giggles I get from it. Revenge in mere droplets can still drown.

Just another Sunday today! I wish winter was over, everything seems very slow, mundane, and similar during this season. I was supposed to go to the gym today but since Greg's working/going out, I have to contend with being Susie Homemaker, cooking and cleaning. I don't mind really, it leaves me alone with myself. My writing, my memories, my hobbies.

Speaking of hobbies! I'm getting so far along with my 100 books list! I made a list of goals last year, and I think that's the only one I stuck to. I truly regret not fulfilling my goal of a cross country trip, but being attached to a new boyfriend sort of trumped that one. I got to go to BC many a time though, and did Greg ever enjoy that! He had never even seen a non man-made body of water before our first trip, so I was more than happy to be there with him during that experience.

Today I sort of had a moment of sunshine. All this minuscule drama that I seem to keep encountering is irksome, but it doesn't have to be. I made some apologies today, ones which I truly meant. And that drama? Well, I kind of finally saw a pattern to it awhile ago, and I think I can begin to accept myself for it. It seems to be a constant in my life that if I care for someone in whatever capacity (friend, lover, family), should there be a rift then I struggle to keep them close to me, sometimes through anger, deceit. Not lies though.

It's wrong, I know. But I can't seem to let someone go just like that. I keep them close to me in writing, in the files saved on my computer of potential and frivolously imagined situations described in a clarity that frightens me. Even those who I know are years beyond my reach, my presence, remain close to me through mementos, and sometimes even dreams.

So I think that's just who I am. The magnitude that that drama seems to take on has clearly diminished as I've grown up. If the kind of drama I experienced years ago happened now, there would be dire and potentially legal consequences. Similarly, the little things that happen now cause such a headache, something that would have been laughable if I were younger.

Oh well. I think the best option I can take is stop being petty and make my small puddle of revenge, waiting for someone to step in it.

Mm, nah. =P

Today, I'm pleased to announce that I am normal.

For two reasons. One is that I am typing on a laptop instead of my usual iPhone, so I won't get any weird random words inserted thanks to my auto-type.

Second, because I just have normal thoughts today. I am sitting here with a bowl of popcorn, tired from my workout at the gym yesterday. I have two chickens cooking in the oven right now, enough to make really good chicken soup out of. I'm waiting for Greg to get home so we can have a nice quiet evening together watching a movie, and then bed so we can both work early again tomorrow morning.

It's a nice change.

I realised today that I really like my life right now. For awhile, I went through this huge period of regret, which doesn't make sense for me since I don't actually believe in regret. But I've confronted some people and made peace with my decisions, and now I'm happy.

My days are a breeze. I read, I work, I go to the gym, I return home to make dinner, I sleep, I watch movies. I read a lot too! I'm dedicated to the goal of reading 100 books in a year, and I believe my starting date was about three months ago. So far, I've read 24 books, which equals about 8 books a month/2 a week, which is the rate I need to go to wind up meeting the goal. I'm reading everything from sci-fi to romance, young adult to classic novels. I'm approaching Heart of Darkness next, wondering if I'll actually be able to get through it.

I went last week to get a trial membership at the YMCA, and I love it. I love working out. I can run more easily on the treadmill than outside it seems. I've been wanting to go a few days in a row, but I went last night and even though it was my intention to go today, my body is beyond fatigued (but not sore), so I returned home to cook dinner instead. I plan on buying a full membership on Friday though, when I get paid.

I'm very anxious to re-apply to school though. I don't want to accidentally miss another year. I'm very interested to see how I will balance it all, but I don't feel like I'll have a problem. When my life is kept in separate boxes like this: work, home, love, gym, school, all in separate places, I function very well. When they converge, I become claustrophobic and start to procrastinate and ignore everything.

Something has emerged from me that I never expected before though: my work ethic. I didn't know how effortless it would be to go to work every day and do my job. I strongly disliked my part time jobs in high school but to go to work every day now is very easy. It's a change I feel is for the better.

Greg's birthday is coming up in a week as well, and I have to figure out what on earth to get him/do to celebrate. Hopefully he'll be home soon.

I have to stop typing now, because my bad wrist is really starting to act up. It seems clearer every day that it's carpal tunnel, which is really unfortunate considering the amount of time I will need to spend at a computer in the future.

There, my normal thoughts. Cheers.

I've given up reading this morning in favour of music and writing. The new Taylor Swift album is partially to credit for my inspiration, as it is nothing short of amazing! Bu it has also flown my mind to different edges to my memories, and I don't know how that makes me feel. It's going to be one of those weird days I think, so I'm just going to appreciate her music for the sounds instead of letting the lyrics touch my own understanding.

When the city is dark, it makes me feel like I'm traveling again. Specifically, it reminds me of this past January, when I once again travelled to Calgary. That trip made this city sparkle for me. It took my breath away in a way I can never forget, and this was why I knew I would come back. I will probably always come back even though I always find the urge to scour this country in the forefront of my mind.

But I wonder, does it still entice me because of the same attraction, or is that simply the byproduct of a dead memory?

A dead memory, what an oxymoron. I know we cannot live in the past, but I always seem to feel my memories as alive as I am, walking beside me. They seem to shine with a vibrance that will never allow me to forget them. Are they alive? I suppose not, since they do not change themselves, but they affect change within me, my decisions and actions and emotions. It is very one sided, and perhaps not fair to those whose presence contributed to such a memory, for they have a claim too.

But life is not fair, and I realize that I feel the selfish need to cherish these moments in memory close to my heart for any nameable reason, but mostly longing.

This morning the lights in the train station took my mind and dumped it a year and half a country away. The crowds, the anticipation, and the orange haze in my eyes brought me back to a staircase I willed myself to ascend, my nerves tearing at my throat forcing my breath back into my lungs. My heart fed to the eyes that awaited me.

Morning bus time. I always manage to stumble outside half awake and make it to my always late bus, but this time the cold air and ensuing coughing fit woke me up, a pleasant change.
Today, I am pensive. I don't think I can pinpoint about exactly what I am thinking of though. Sometimes my thoughts flicker to the fact that I need a new coat for winter, or that my boyfriend's birthday is fast approaching, or deadlines for applications, tax forms, resumés and the like. Sometimes though, for a moment before I shut it away, my thoughts return to the near past. Things that happened that I don't understand. My pride won't grasp the concept that things happened out of logical order, so for these moments my mind puzzles and strains to understand why, and it is my heart that bears the confusing burden of the byproduct of these thoughts after my mind is done.
This is not a daily ritual, nor a weekly one. I do not regret because I am sure in my very being that every single thing happens for a reason, and perhaps I puzzle and ache over this because I do not understand as of yet what lesson is to come of it. However, my patience has been beautifully exercised and extended in the past half year and I will wait and only implore for an answer when the right moment arises.

Heat and pressure

Today I don't know what I am doing. Calgary is a haze of unusual heat right now, and the bus I am on reeks of spilt liquor. Some weird pressure change is occurring and I'm starting to get migraines every day. Money is so tight and buying the food I can eat is not an option right now. I want to write but it seems I don't have the time anymore, but with each passage day it seems the unpinned words are poisoning me. I long to read but since my boyfriend left a book back in BC my library privileges are temporarily suspended. His hours get cut so mine get increased each week, and once again I'm the breadwinner. I don't hold it against him, but all the same I an exhausted and this tunnel seems so devoid of light that I can't find the hope to push me forward sometimes; these days I rely on pure responsibility to war against my fatigue. At least I don't spend time with enough people to have envy in my heart as well.



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